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Monday, February 28, 2011

I'm alive!!

I'm back and I'm still alive! Barely, after the night that I had on Friday night, but I'm still alive!! LOL
No need to get into details of the evening, but from what I had of it, I had fun!

It's funny you know, I've been trying to touch the subject of money since I've started this blog, but it's either never been the right time, or I've just never known how to tackle it. Probably because it's such a personal subject. It's probably a subject that no one wants to talk about publicly and a subject that most would think I'm crazy getting personal about. But that's okay!!

Money stresses me out in way that I can't even describe in words. It's something that affects every single day of my life. Whether it be thinking about the bills that need paid, or the extra birthdays this month, the fact that we need something new... Well, there's just always something!!

I remember before we had kids, we used to complain that there was "never enough money"! LOL!! I look back now and think to myself, DUH!!!! That's because we went out for dinner twice a week, had takeout once a week, went to the bar at least once on the weekend and then went out for breakfast on Sunday mornings. On top of it, we bought whatever we wanted for ourselves!! We "lived" life I guess you could say.

Unfortunately we weren't the smart ones that sat back and realized we should be saving for when we had children and I was home making no money!! (does anyone??) That being said, we did really enjoy life!

The thing that sucks for me is that I owned my own business!! That means NO maternity leave! Not a penny! Once I was off, I was off!! So, we went from having my "decent" income, to only Peter's. Here we were adding this tiny little money sucking creature and taking away a pay cheque every month!! GREAT!

It's amazing what you can do when you're forced to! We've gone over three years now with one income. I have to say, we really have done pretty good. We don't very often, "go without". That doesn't mean we don't have stress at the first of every month when all of the bills come out at once, or if we have something sudden come up, it doesn't mean that we haven't had weeks that we've lived from one cheque to the next, it just means that we've made it through. There have been some lots of not so good days because of money, but we're surviving..

I think that the biggest stress for me in all of this, is the guilt that I have when I spend any little bit of money on myself! The guilt and the thoughts that I'm not bringing in any money or that I'm spending all of "his" money!
Am I alone with this one?
I feel guilty getting a haircut, or buying new clothes. I feel guilty going out with the girls and buying a bottle of wine + a bottle of vodka. Why??? I have no clue! Peter is amazing, and never ever has said anything about him making all the money.(I wonder if he thinks it??)  It's definitely something that I do to myself.

I know that I'm contributing to our family in a way that  in my eyes, is much larger than going to work every day, (not meaning that those of you that work isn't a big thing,, that's even bigger and I don't have a clue how you do it!) but yet I still feel like I don't "deserve" a new pair of jeans (or that really amazing bikini that I bought yesterday! lol)
It's kind of a catch 22 because I know that if I went back to work, it would take such a huge stress off  of me in the money department. I could lose this guilt of spending money on myself. Yet, I know though that if I was to go back to work I would have the guilt of knowing that I left my girls just because I didn't want the stress of money and I would HATE every day that i wasn't home with them.
HA! There is really no winning. I know that I shouldn't complain as it's MY choice to stay home, but my gosh, it's another one of those things that they don't warn us about before we get pregnant. No one told me (unless I tuned them out) how tough it would be or that I would have guilt from simply buying a $6 tank top at Walmart!!!

I still think I'll take staying home over going back to work.. what do you ladies think?? Does anyone else have the guilt over spending money on themselves???


Anonymous said...

hey Sar...I just want to say that even if you went back to work outside of the home there would still be guilt - I think us mommies are programmed that way! And really I do plan on going back to work very soon and my new stress will be that our daycare bill will be $1100 a I know for us that even two incomes won't relieve the money issues until...well probably never!!! lol anyway, I do have WAY more to say on the subject but the little ones are calling...
and glad you're alive...I'm just starting to feel sane!!! hahahaha

Mrs.Moose said...

I agree you would still have guilt even if you worked out of the house, and yes even though you're bringing in a paycheck most of it goes to daycare! Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it? I'm sad to see Shae go to school this year, but I can say I will be glad to have $400 more a month in my pocket!
I too would have loved maternity leave. I enjoyed 9 months home with Keagan and only 8 weeks with Shae :( Talk about feeling like a guilty mother! But.....ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Right?

Sarah said...

Very true ladies! I think it is definitely a no win situation! I think that we'd be worse off financially if I went to work and put them BOTH into daycare!! Mostly because I don't have a "career", so to find a job that is going to pay enough to have both of them in care, there still isn't going to be shopping money!!!
Another few tough years to go I guess!!

Anonymous said...

Money is the one thing that stresses me to the MAX. We have been living off one income for way too long and it is very hard and sometimes I don't know what we are going to do from one day to the next. I don'y know what stresses me more the fact that we don't have much money or the fact that my husband doesn't stress over it like I do and always says it will work out, don't worry!!! What is up with that? lol But in the end he is right and everything has a way of working itself out but it is still stressful and very hard! We have our 1st child together on the way and I worry even more but again I am sure it will be fine and Sarah I can spend money on anyone else and it wouldn't bother me at all but if I need something I feel guilty about it for weeks after, not good at all but we all do it!!

Sarah said...

I find Peter stresses about money too much, so I try to do everything myself and keep the stress to myself.

At least I know that I'm not alone with the guilt on spending on myself!! It's horrible!!

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