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Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm Beautiful Dammit!!

Now this is a true friend!! lmao!
I've had a few emails/comments lately in which you ladies have mentioned body image...
You're not wanting to go out, or be social due to the way that you're feeling about yourself physically. This is something that I can definitely relate to, and something that I dealt with  for months, and in some ways, I still am.

We all know how we gained the baby weight. Ice cream and chocolate just tasted so much better when we were pregnant!  We were eating for two!!
It's okay to be fat when we're pregnant, because, well... because we're pregnant!! We make all of these excuses and everyone tells us not to worry about it. The weight will fall of once we have the baby. That we're beautiful, and glowing. This one always makes me laugh!
I'm sorry, but when was the last time you saw a fat "glowing" pregnant woman??? lol......... hate me but it's true!

When I was pregnant, I didn't gain too much weight,, I stuck around the 30lb mark.
After Gracie, the weight literally fell off of me. I left the hospital close to the size that I was before i was pregnant with her. Within 3 weeks, I was back into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes.
So, with Lylah, I wasn't worried at all. I gained a little more with her, but I knew thought that it would fall off just as fast, so I didn't care.

It was at my 6 week checkup that I had the "cry on the scale" moment! How was it that I weighed the exact same as I did at my last appointment?? Good lord!! I lost 6lbs of baby, and all that other gross weight that they talk about. Placenta etc......... So how was I not down at least 10-15lbs??
It was at that point that I started beating myself up. Mentally, and emotionally, I was a wreck. I'm sure the hormones didn't help, but I was disgusted with myself.

I didn't want to go out. I didn't want my husband to look at me, let alone touch me. I used to go into the washroom and shut the door to change.If I did go out, I stayed away from places that I "might" see someone I knew, and if I was forced to go to the mall or a busy restaurant, my head stayed down so that even if they saw me, I didn't know it. In my head (my psycho head) I could hear them saying things like "wow, what happened to her?? Yikes, has she ever put on the beef! She used to be so tiny!"  It was horrible. I know that I made it so much worse for myself than it really was. I've never dealt with weight before, so this honestly was like the end of the world to me.
I'm sure that I may sound a little shallow when I say that, and I apologize if I do, I don't mean to come across that way. Weight has just never really been something I've struggled with...
My husband used to tell me that I looked great and I wanted to throw something at his head (ok, maybe I did once!!). But really, Why would he lie to me?
Friends and family would even tell me not to be so hard on myself. After all, I "just had the baby 3 months ago"!!! Grrrrr......

Everything was kind of a viscous circle for me because the worse I felt, the more I ate.
I know that it was also hard to lose weight because there was just no time. There was no time for exercise. Hell, there was no time to eat most days. Usually it was 2pm before I was putting something in my mouth, and then it was usually a bag of chips or a handful of cookies. Dinner would then come next and I would literally eat until I couldn't eat anymore.
Who the hell has time for 3 healthy meals and healthy snacks in between when you're looking after little ones???!! And then there is drinking water.. I never drank water. Cofffee, pop or Coffee were my options.
Hence the puffy water retention look I was sporting so well! (I wish I had a picture to show you just how HOT I was!)
I finally pulled myself  together when Lylah was about 4 months old. I was introduced to a great nutritional cleansing program and ended up losing all of my weight, plus some.

The one thing that I find amazing is how much our bodies change. I never ever gained weight in my mid section. I have always carried my weight below my waistline. Since having kids though, i know the true meaning of "MUFFIN TOP". Like really, is it necessary for that fat to be there??? The crappy part is that no matter what I try, i can't get rid of it. I'm still so self conscious about it too!!

See, that's the thing. I think we look at other moms who "have it together" or who have lost their baby weight (skinny bitches) and we beat up on ourselves. (and secretly hate them)
The trouble is, we forget that "skinny bitch" over there might have something going on that she is totally self conscious about. A reason that she hates leaving the house.

Some of you might see me and say that I'm one of those "skinny bitches" right now, and that's fine, but what you don't all probably know is that I am very self conscious, and pretty insecure. My body has changed in ways that I never dreamed it would. Yes, I may have lost my weight, but I could lose more, and I could definitely lose my "muffin top". I also have NO BOOBS since having kids.. I went from a 36C to a 36DD now, to a 34A,, yep 34A (stop laughing! Please, feel sorry for me!) 
The thing though that I am most insecure about is my upper lip. Since having Lylah, the skin on my upper lip has gone about 3or 4 shades darker than the rest of my face. It looks like I have a mustache. It's horrible!!! I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking that I should go wax it!! Apparently it's "normal"!  It's because of hormones, and happens to a lot of people, but really,, why did it have to happen to me??!! WHY??!!!! Because the muffin top isn't sexy enough???!!! I need a mustache to go along with it!! Fantastic!!!

There are so many things that fall into the category of "body image"..... We all have things we would change, things that make us insecure and miserable,, and thats okay.... It sucks, but really, we can either do something to change it, or accept it.......and if we choose to accept, that means we can no longer bitch about it!!
We also have to remember that "no one can make us feel inferior without our consent". Remember that, every time you go out and feel a little insecure or self conscious! We had babies! We have a reason!! Not everyone does!!! LOL!!!!

What is the thing that makes you most self conscious about yourself!!! What is the one thing you could change if you could????

"To lose confidence in one's body is to lose confidence in oneself." 

- Simone De Beauvoir


Mrs.Moose said...

Hell Sar I could grow a full on beard and mustache now! Those little darlings that change our hormones...... take the pigmentation and run with it!! LOL... I also had hyper pigmentation after Shae. Dermalogica has a great product for it! We all are hard on ourselves about our image. I too remember not wanting to be seen when I was struck by the "ugly" stick in my second pregnancy and had a face full of acne. The best line was from a little Italian lady "Oh dear, you must be expecting a little girl because they always steal their mother's beauty.".....and thank you...I feel SOOOO much better now!

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