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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Life Changes!!

Does anyone else ever struggle with how much life has changed since having kids?
Does the world change? Do our friends change, or is it US that change??

I've been struggling with this a lot lately.. So many things change for the better, things that I would never change back. There are those few things that change though, that I wonder why they had to, if they'll ever go back to "the way they were" (and NO..I'm not just talking about my body)

My friendships are probably the thing that I struggle with the most.. The friendships where not all of us have children.
It seems like although we're so close, we live in two different worlds!
And then there are the friends that have one child while I have two, we live in different worlds too!!
It's like no one can relate anymore. Like we're all "existing", but on different planets. No one is at fault, it's just the way it is!
Really,, how is someone without kids going to understand why we just can't find time to pick up the phone, return an email, or make time for coffee??Why should they understand why we just don't have time to devote to our friendships like we used to?
And.. people with one child KNOW how busy life is with a child, so if they can make time for a play date or dinner, why can't we? How can life with 2 (or more) really be THAT different?

Don't get me wrong, all my friends are amazing, I am surrounded by great people, but some days it's just really hard to find any common ground. It gets frustrating trying to explain that "I'm just too tired" to go to the movies or out for a coffee, that I can't find a babysitter, or that I just don't have any money.

I also struggle with planning outings with other couples.
It's next to impossible to do anything with friends that don't have kids. It's pretty hard to bring the kids and actually enjoy a visit and lets face it, they probably don't want our kids (monsters) running around their nice clean houses anyway.
So,, let's try to plan a fun night with friends that also have kids.
That doesn't work either!
My kids have to be in bed by 8pm, and their kids have to be in bed by 8pm,, so really, whose house are we going to go to??
We could get babysitters, but realistically, we're not going to do that every weekend. I try to save the sitter for nights that are "really" worth it!! (Girls night WOOT WOOT!)
Seriously though, it's easier to just stay home!! Weekends have definitely changed! Life has changed!!

Night visits and outings are the worst, but lately I've been finding it really hard to do anything during the day as well.. Once we all get up, get dressed and have breakfast,, it's usually time for Lylah to have her morning nap. She wakes up, we play a bit, have lunch and then both girls have their afternoon nap. The morning is now gone and most of the afternoon as well. By the time they wake up, it's time to get dinner started,
Daddy gets home, we eat dinner, its bath and story time,, then bed!!! Where/when in that day do I have time for visiting, shopping, coffee,, anything outside this house for that matter.

Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, maybe I'm just missing my friends and the way things used to be.
Like I said, I wouldn't trade my girls for anything in the world, or my life.. Maybe, just maybe though, I would like a day, a week or a weekend to just kick back and enjoy (really enjoy) my friends!

Do you ladies have a way that you balance both your family and your friendships? What works for you? Is there a way to have a balance??

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Sar...yet again the same brain thing...tell me about it - everyday I keep thinking this is the day that I will get out...but then we get up at the crack of dawn & by the time breakfast is made, play time, clothes time then it's nap time and with two little ones on different schedules it is insane. The hours turn into days and then into weeks and then I think gee have I talked to so and so?? or have I returned that call. I guess the thing is most of my friends right now do have two children so most get it...the few who don't have any well it's definitely a challenge that I can't do everything that I used to. & really my body image fits a lot into it...I just can't bare to go out to a bar (not that it holds the same appeal anyway) but looking like I do I just dread running into someone I know that probably doesn't have kids and will talk about my butt exploding! And then the friends (more acquaintances) that I have that are wonder woman - who seem to work, take care of their 2 kids, clean and manage to go out for "girl" time all the time and then think it's wicked awesome that their husbands are getting stress free buddy time for 3 nights away like I just can't relate. I really want to kill him for taking off for 4 days and thinking that's cool when really I am so exhausted that even if I took "girl" time I would probably fall asleep...life has changed BIG time and you're right I wouldn't change a whole lot of it but sometimes a glimpse into who I was and where I was would be nice every now and again (when I am not soooooooooo tired!). Thanks for your blog, it makes me feel less lonely!

Anonymous said...

My Goodness! It's like you were reading my mind yesterday!! I read your blog and was having one of those days---like, to the EXTREME...and it was very comforting to know that I'm not the only one. I cant tell you how GUILTY I feel as I literally watch the time dissolve...and with being newly pregnant and having just recently been hit hard with morning sickness...I have been going even more INWARDS and not wanting to do anything or go anywhere with my boys...I feel terrible. In my defence, it's freaking freezing out there!!!! To get them bundled up and then drive 20 min (which it pretty much is to go anywhere around here!) it's not even worth it. Bottles, diapers, change of clothes maybe? It's like, why?! So instead I've stayed in but omg, can you say depressing?!!! I swear, if it werent for the mild interaction I have on fb with friends...I wouldnt communicate with anyone from the outside world!!! But back to the topic of your blog, I can TOTALLY RELATE!!! I have a few friends that Ive lost touch with for that very reason. What pisses me off (sorry ladies...rampant horomones over here!) is that I have gone out of my way to NOT talk only about "my kids"...to not be "the stay at home mom who just needs to talk and complain".....even tho I AM that person and I do need to talk and complain, lol...I generally try to be very cautious of who I do that complaining to!!! I mean, if my friend doesnt have a child, let alone, 2...chances are they probably wont really "get it" and even if they do...I dont want to bore them. But even after putting forth that effort, I swear to you, it seems that some of my "friends" (grrr!!!) just automatically disconnect from ppl once they are married and have children. I've come to the point where I am seriously OVER IT!!! I dont go out of my way to 'befriend' these ppl anymore....SCREW THEM!!! LOL

Last night I completely forgot my friend was coming over and I was literally just glancing out the front door when I saw a black car pull up and park. I froze. OMG!!! It's my friend!!! OF COURSE ITS MY FRIEND! She said she was coming on Thursday and whoally SH*T, it's thursday!!!! I had had the worst day (morning sickness ALL day...a teething 6 month old and a very bored almost 3 year old)...I wasnt 'dressed and looking good'...like, at all. I was in complete survival mode...and yet, she began walking towards my door. She looked put together, polished...stylish...pretty much everything I didnt look. Awesome!!! What was I supposed to do? Run?? I didnt have the heart...plus, my older son would have went running to the door when she rang the door bell !! lol
Anyways...she came in...I offered her a glass of ice tea and served her the No Name pierogies I had made for dinner. Yes, I know...1st class all the way! We sat on the couch and talked....and talked....and talked!!! And i thanked her for coming---it was so therapeutic....and had she have texted me to confirm, I know I would have asked if she minded if we rescheduled. That's what I do. I reschedule. Something's always not quite right....someone's always kind of 'off' so I think , better be safe than sorry....and all in all, I end up not getting together with ppl! Maybe the trick is to schedule things and then forget about them....and have no choice but to face them when they are right on your front door!! ?? !!
My friend is proof that there ARE ppl out there that are able to connect even tho they cannot personally relate to your life. She has a boyfriend...not a husband. She rents an apartment, we own a house. She has freedom...I dont! ANd so forth...
Like Sarah and the above person said, I too wouldnt change my life...I love my family---they're my everything. It *is* nice to connect to friends though and God Bless those few special ppl in my life who are able to continue our friendship as our lives change....afterall, a true friend is forever! <3

Kelly

Angela said...

I really can't get over how much life changes when you have a baby! I thought that being on mat leave I would certainly have time for a cup of tea or a coffee here and then....when most of the time my tea has usually gone cold by the time I ever get to it!! I have never been so 'on-call' before in my life!!! And I have to admit, that I was one of those girls who didn't really get it until I had a baby of my own. I remember being out shopping with my sister in law (who has two kids) at good old Wal-Mart and her saying to me....'Don't you feel like we're on vacation?'. I had to look at her like she was crazy and say 'um no, I feel like we're at Wal-Mart??'. Do I ever get it now!!! We joke about it all the time.
I found getting out really hard in the beginning, .....so making playdates with other Mom's was great for me. And usually other Mom's are in the same boat and totally get it. There are some friends who you think you have so much in common with , but now things are just 'different'. Maybe it's not just life that changes but WE change too!! They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and I think that totally makes sense. I didn't have much in common with other mom's until now......and now it amazes me how we all have so much in common!!!! You can meeet another mom and instantly have so much to tall about! But anyways, I do think it's important to take the time out to make play dates or girls nights or date nights, whatever it may be. Just to get out of the house before it all starts over again the next day!!!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Kelly, there are a few special people in each of our lives that are able to love and understand us through all lives changes,,, "A true friend is forever!". Once you find those people that understand you and don't mind if you show up for coffee with baby vomit on your shirt, or the fact that you have to leave your family dinner potluck get together early because your munchkin is just to tired (and makes you a doggy bag to make sure you get some food) you have to hold onto them. I hope that for my girlfriends they can say I am one of those undertanding Friends.

Sarah said...

Thanks so much for all of your comments ladies! You guys definitely made me feel better.
Every day I think " tomorrow" will be the day that I get out out of the house, or make time to spend with my friends, and it just never happens. Before I know it, the week is gone again.
It is nice when you have one or two friends that get it..
I can honestly say that I really don't have any friends that I still do stuff with all the time. I'm sure it's partly my fault because I just can't find the time, and then one friend moved away, others are the same as me... Maybe we should all stop making excuses.... but then even that doesn't seem to work!!!
I guess we'll have lots of time to spend with our girlfriends when the kids are grown and gone!!!
Oh and Heather, i know what you mean, I never seem to think that it is a great idea for Peter to have boys nights, or time out,, let alone 3 or 4 days. I think I might have to kill him...

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