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Friday, March 25, 2011

BullYing Continued.because i wasn't done yet!!!

It's funny because when I sat down to write the bullying post the other day, I wasn't sure what I was going to write, because as I said, I really haven't had to deal with this subject "head on" yet.
Once I started typing, I found myself feeling really passionate about the subject. It's funny how this blog can stir up so many feeling and emotions that I didn't even know were inside of me. Hopefully it does the same for some of you.. (not just the bullying post, but the blog in general)

After reading some of the comments that were left, I found myself questioning so many other subjects.
These are some of the questions that I've been throwing around since the other day.

Where do the "bullies" come from? Are they created by parents who are trying to raise kids that won't be bullied. Are we making them too tough?

Is Bullying a "learned" behavior?? If so, where are the kids learning to act like this? Are they watching their parents be bullies? siblings? or are they learning it from school?

Is this behavior something that is just "in" certain kids? I answered this one very quickly because I refuse to believe that.

I think if we asked ourselves or anyone, where a "pushover" child comes from, most people would say that it is a learned behavior. I would! My guess would be that one of their parents, or both are pushovers as well, and they've just learned to be the same way. They've watched their parents be treated a certain way, or never stick up for themselves, so obviously, that is the "norm" to them. OR. they've been told like one comment said, to "just ignore it".

Makes sense, right?
BUT.. if we ask ourselves if Bullies learn to be Bullies at home, I think the majority of people (especially parents of bullies) would say No.
Why?? Is it because it's scary to think that children are acting this way because of something they're seeing at home? Because none of us want to admit that we're not perfect and we may have a little "bully" inside of us. For me, that's exactly what it is!

How many times have you heard another parent say "Well they should learn to stick up for themselves" about another child? Isn't that in a sense a bully? What type of child do you think this parent will have in comparison to a mother who says "I don't want to cause any trouble by saying anything" after their child has been picked on. Hmmmm....... I see a bully, and a pushover!!!

Maybe I'm blabbing with all of this, maybe I'm just typing out my thoughts and they'll mean nothing to any of you, but honestly, these thoughts have been keeping me awake at night.
Which mom am I going to be? I don't want my girls to be picked on, but I also don't want them to be so tough that they end up being bullies. I also don't want them to be nerdy little tattle tales that think their mommy and daddy will always take care of things for them.

None of us are perfect parents, and we're all going to make mistakes. Our kids might turn out to be pushovers, and our kids might turnout to be bullies. Whether we like it or not. Even if we try everything in our power to avoid it, our kids might have days that they behave in ways that we don't want them to.

Quick example.. The past few times I've picked Gracie up from school, I've heard of "incidents" of Gracie snatching toys from other kids because "she wanted them", as well as trying to push kids out of seats at the craft station because "it was her turn".. I'm not going to lie, it stings to hear and my first reaction is "give me a break, she's 3!" However, what am I teaching her if I let her away with this? She's three and in a sense already acting like a bully at nursery school. I'm putting a stop to it now, and we talk about it this, and work on it every day. I will continue to do so until I hear that she is playing "nice". I don't want a bully child.. Sure it'd be easy to say "not my kid, she's perfect, she would never do that",, but really, the only person I'm hurting by believing that is myself and Gracie.

I guess the best thing we can do, is set an example in the way that we behave. The way that we treat our friends, peers, strangers at the store or at the playgrounds,spouses, even our children. We have to remember that we're always being watched, always being idolized and these little creatures pick up on body language, tones of voices, everything we do.

Now I just have to figure out how to create a child somewhere in the middle of pushover and bully!! lol
Have a great weekend ladies, I'm going to get me a bottle of red wine and maybe a good movie for tonight!


Victoria said...

Here is some of the advice I was given by a very wise women (my Mommy). It is not that you want you child to always let things roll of their back, or feel they always have to stick up for themselves. It is not a good idea to make them feel like they should always be assertive and "know what they want", or meek and "just follow along". It our job as parents to show them WHEN to be assertive, meek, to stick up for themselves, or to just let the comments roll. We are to tell them when the bully pick on them the first time, they are trying to get a reaction and to let it roll, but if it continues, Please stick up for yourself. It is the "When" that differenciates between the overly assertive child and the assertive child!
Like you said Sarah, we do the best we can, I tell my kids the golden rule all the time "treat others as you wish to be treated" because no one wants to be bullied, so make you sure don't.
P.S. Sorry it took forever for me to get to this!

Sarah said...

Sorry it took me so long to respond Vicki! That is awesome advice, and so very true. Just like in our lives, we have to know when to have a backbone, and when not to. Every situation is so different and if we can teach our kids how to recognize these different situations we'll be doing good.

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