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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

To fight or Not to Fight?

So a friend and I somehow came upon the subject of fighting last night.....
Fighting with your hubby/boyfriend...... whatever he may be..
We discussed what is right and what is wrong when it comes to fighting/bickering/arguing around the kids, and what is healthy for them. We seemed to be on the same page, but I know that there are a lot of different very STRONG opinions on this subject.

Last weekend, I was frustrated beyond belief with Peter.(It was something stupid and little but I was frustrated) I may have raised my voice just a little at him. Right away, Gracie said "Mommy, what's wrong? Why are you mad??"
I explained to her that I was just frustrated, but it was okay, sometimes people get mad, but that it was normal.
I felt so guilty.. but really, once I explained it to her, she didn't even seem fazed by it.
I'm sure if Peter would have yelled back, and it turned into an hour long screaming match, it would have been a different story, but this was just me "really" trying to get my point across. Within 10 minutes we were fine and back to laughing and joking.

I remember reading in a book once that it is good for kids to see some sort of conflict in their lives. After all, it does exist and we could never completely shelter them from it. (As much as we'd like to)
I forget what the book was, or who the author was, but they pointed out that it is actually very healthy to argue in front of your children, as long as they see soon after, that you have made up and are happy and still love each other. It teaches them that it's normal. That people can fight and still love each other.
If we always try to hide our arguments and fights from the children, we're kind of giving them this false impression that everyone is happy all the time and no one ever fights or argues. What is going to happen to that child the first time they see/hear someone argue, or the first time they have an argument with someone? Are they going to think their little worlds are shattering? it okay to shelter them? Is there really any harm in letting them think the world is a perfect place while they're young?

I guess my feeling is that arguing is completely normal, its a part of life, and everyone is going to experience it at some point. We're eventually going to have a fight/argument with our partner, and lets face it, the kids might just be around to witness it. So why hide it from them only to have it devastate them one day when it  happens unintentionally.

Obviously everyone fights differently. Please know,I'm not saying that(in any way shape or form) i think it's okay to be yelling and screaming or swearing at each other in front of the kids, but a little bickering or arguing, some heated discussions are probably okay. Kids can pick up on the tone in our voices.. I think that they can also pick up on tension. So if  we're fighting away from them, but then storming around the house or not talking to each other for the day, what really is the difference? It would probably be better to let them witness the argument so that they at least knew what was going on. It's probably a good thing for them to learn early that it's okay for me to disagree and have different opinions on things and even when they do, they still love each other.  Am I right here, or does everyone completely disagree with me??
I guess this is kind of like the drinking subject. Everyone is going to feel differently about it.

Let me know your opinions!!! I really want to hear from some of you that feel differently than me. No one ever disagrees with me, and that isn't any fun!!! lol


Anonymous said...

I have to say I was watching Teem Mom 2 (ok, ok I know...stupid!!! lol) but there is this girl Jennelle and her mother - who has temporary custody - and everytime I catch their "segment" I think holy FFFFFFFFFFF why aren't they being charged or why hasn't that baby been removed from their care because seriously the way they fight when he is right there screaming and attacking each other and the little boy (who looks to be around 1) is taking it all in. It makes me sick...I can't stand that the producers just allow their crew to film this defenseless little boy endure the abuse in that house. Anyway, kind of along your topic!! True I raise my voice (maybe more than I should) but coming from a house where fights were the norm I would say take it outside!! lol Disagreements yes are one thing...h

Sarah said...

Yes, that is horrible!! I totally disagree with that! I agree with "take it outside". I think for me though if fighting is that often that it is affecting the children, then the parents should do something about it.That isn't healthy for anyone!
A fight every now and then, once every few months and that isn't "down and dirty" fighting is a completely different situation..
If people are fighting "all the time" in front of their children, they probably have some bigger fish to fry anyway! Again, just my opinion!!

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