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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Magical Love

I was talking with a girlfriend a while back, and our conversation has been stuck in my mind ever since.
She was telling me about someone she knows. This girl is pregnant and having issues with not feeling "connected" to this baby.
I've heard this so many times, and every time, I say the same thing...... "Tell her to come talk to ME"!!!!

When I first got pregnant, I really struggled with the fact that I wasn't feeling all of these emotions that I was SUPPOSED to. Sure, it was amazing that I was pregnant, and I was beyond thrilled, but did I have this instant connection to this little thing inside of me?? Absolutely not!
There was nothing that I liked or enjoyed about being pregnant, and maybe that played a part in it? Yes I loved the baby that was growing inside of me and I would have died had anything happened to her, but honestly, I didn't have those "overwhelming" feelings of love that so many girls talk about.
I just wanted the pregnancy to be over. For the baby to get here, so that I could finally look at her and see what she looked like.
I remember feeling like the worst person in the world, and I wondered if I was going to be a horrible mother.

I kept telling myself that I would have those feelings as soon as the baby was here.
We see it in the movies, and on the Baby Story shows, it's like magic when the baby is born.. This amazing moment, looking at your child for the first time, and not being able to breathe, or see through the tears because you're just so in love!
Yeah,, I didn't have that either!
Again, I absolutely loved this little peanut that was staring up at me, and I would have done anything for both of them the second that they were born, but I never experience that feeling that people say "hurts"....
I didn't have that magical moment of "OMG!! Love at First Sight" Again, yes, I loved them, but it wasn't like fireworks went off in the distance. People have asked me if it was a disconnected feeling? Nope, I was connected to them, loved them, just no overwhelming oh my god "it hurts" love....

So, my question is,, do these moments really exist, or are they moments that we just believe exist? Are these moments that we put pressure on ourselves to experience?
I know that there are women who say that they had all of these life changing moments, and I believe them. I actually envy them. But then, there are those of us (and I know I'm not alone) who didn't have our moment.
Maybe it's a bit of postpartum or hormones?? Maybe the whole experience is just so overwhelming that we don't stop and let those "moments" take over?
I've also wondered if maybe some of the drugs from my Csection took over and didn't allow me to "feel" the emotions. Maybe I was numb?

The reason that I've been thinking about this a lot lately is because these past couple of weeks, I've been having my MOMENTS. There are many times throughout the day lately that I tear up looking at my girls, that I could squeeze Lylah's cheeks right off of her because I love her so much and she's just THAT cute. The moments that my heart actually hurts when Gracie hugs me and tells me that she loves me. I am now feeling this overwhelming love that everyone talks about.. and I love it!

Why has it taken so long? I have no clue. Maybe it's because they are so much more independent now, and they interact with me more, they show me their love. I don't know!  I've always loved my children more than anything in the world, and I'm sure some of you are doubting that right now. Maybe you feel sorry for me.. That's okay.
I just want to get the message out there.
To those moms that are feeling or not feeling all of those things that society tells us we are supposed to feel, IT'S OKAY!!!
You'll have your Moment. It might be tomorrow, and it might be a year from now. It doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't make you a bad Mommy,. In my opinion it makes you human..

I'm adding in a link to a discussion thread where people are discussing whether or not they had that "magical love" from the beginning. I was shocked to see how many were like me..
I love this comment that I saw while reading "You can't fight how your body and mind react to the instense change a child brings."
I'd love to hear everyone's opinion on this, did you have instant "magical love" with your children or did that come later??


Amy said...

Not while pregnant. I LOVED being pregnant, I wanted the baby to be safe, but I felt NO attachment to him. I thought maybe finding out the gender would help me connect but no. Same goes for this pregnancy. Sure I am just 5 weeks along and barely feeling anything as far symptoms, so that could play into it. But I honestly just don't think I will ever be attached. Which is why I want to be a surrogate. I think I could easily do it. I LOVE pregnancy, but do not get attached to the baby. Win win.

However once my son is born I DID feel that overwhelming connection. And having a c-section absolutely can affect it. Not only are you drugged up but the reason we even feel that "OMG I love you!" feeling is because as the baby passes through the vaginal canal our body releases oxytocin, the "love" hormone. So when you skip that step sometimes your body forgets to even release it at all.

This is not always the case and I know plenty of moms who did not get attached and had a natural vaginal delivery. Some people, like you, just need that love returned. They need to showed to them to be able to feel it back. And there is nothing wrong with someone like that.

Sadie said...

For me the hardest thing was feeling differently about my first baby compared to my second. While pregnant I couldn't wait to meet my baby, then she arrived and I loved her, or at least I thought I did. Then I had my second and realized I REALLY loved her the instant she was born. Now I love both my girls desperately, but my connection to each of them is quite different. For me, I think being induced played a big role in my emotional connection to my first child. I think I felt that something had been stolen and my husband felt such an instant connection that it was harder for me. But second time around I was so proud of myself for delivering my baby without medical help that I felt like my baby and I had accomplished something together. It is also complicated and so few women speak candidly about HOW they love their children. This is a great post!

Mandy said...

I absolutely DID NOT have that 'love at first sight, magical love thing' with Brooke. I actually went through a very difficult time with Baby Blues after I had her. It was very hard, for a while I wasn't connected to her, besides for the fact that she was my daughter that is. She would cry and it would take literally everything out of me to go get her.

Did I want to be like that?
My god, absolutely NOT!

Did I feel like a bad Mom?
Absoutely yet!

Did I feel like even worse of a person?
You know it!

But I pulled throught it, and now she steal my heart every second of the day.

When Lauren I definitely had the love at first sight feeling. I think where I had such a problem pregnancy, with so many scares, plus her being born 10 weeks premature...She was an absolutely miracle in my eyes. She was so precious and stole my heart from day one. I was just unbelievably thankful that she made it through all of the hardships.

With Emma, from the day I found out I was pregnant, she became another love of my life. I got butterflies hearing her heartbeat, cried when I seen her through ultrasound, and enjoyed/cherished every kick that kept me awake all night long. Out of all three pregnancies, I was by far the most thrilled to have her. But appearantly she was needed more so in Heaven than here on Earth with her family.

Sarah said...

Thanks Ladies for sharing your personal stories... I can relate to all of you in some ways. I wish more women would be more open about issues like this so that when those of us have to deal with these feelings, we don't feel like horrible human beings!!! It's a tough thing!

Anonymous said...

Hey All!!
Ok, I dont want to be the "one"....The one who says, "I had those moments" but I cant lie. I really did. Instantly. With both boys. So intense tho that I became absolutely paralyzed with love and wanting to do everything just right....worrying about everything and well...I wonder why I have anxiety!!!!? :-)
Im currently 20 weeks pregnant with our baby girl...and again, since the first scan, Ive felt that excitement. She wasnt planned and when I first found out I was pregnant I was panicked. I thought, I CANT DO THIS!!! I dont want to be pregnant for ANOTHHHHEr summer...I dont want to lose time with my boys and omg, my "baby" turned 6 months on the day I found out I was pregnant!!! Three kids under 3 and a 1/2 just felt overwhelming...and certain days it still does. Im hoping that this time around I can get through my anxiety and emotional-ness (if thats even a word) and learn to relax a bit. Sar, you might have to come by and we can have a glass of wine!!!

xo Kel

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